If you’re interested in weeping for about two hours, I cannot recommend a better dark room in which to do so than a movie theater screening Freeheld.
By the way, love is fluid. Whether there’s been rumours with one specific person or not, that’s all that matters. Humans are humans, and when you connect with somebody on a spiritual level it doesn’t matter.
Here’s a true thing about this life: you deserve to be excited about it. You deserve to come hard with another person. You deserve to care about your feelings and your happiness. When you think about the impact you’re making on another person’s life, you deserve an unbroken heart. You deserve your fantasies. You deserve your truth, whatever it is.
When I realize I’m doing something that means Something Is Going On, I can go into the bedroom with the lights off and sit or lie on the bed and be quiet and still and notice the feeling I’m having for at least five or ten minutes. I’m not allowed to do anything else. If I’m sad, it’s just sitting there feeling sad. If I’m anxious, it’s just sitting there being anxious. There isn’t a step two. I notice what it feels like — if I want to cry, if I’m running a single irrational thought into the ground, if I’m physically uncomfortable or exhausted. And most importantly, I notice that the world didn’t end; nothing bad happened. I didn’t distract myself by cleaning the pantry or deciding to start finding a bunch of new food blogs to read; I just felt sad, and nothing bad happened. I survived it.
I feel that I can do a lot of good by being an openly transgender woman who practices a hyper-masculinized profession by making adorable little critters and vegetables out of steel. I can do my bit to show that transgender women can be more than stereotypes, and that blacksmiths can be more than beards.
