Being that I often make drinks and share them with you, queermos, it may not surprise you to learn that I have a bar in my apartment.
This is my bar:
I would like to tell you I built it myself, but I very much did not. It’s this bar right here and I needed one other queermo to help me put it together.
Now I know what you’re thinking, I can feel it through my screen — stocking a bar in your home is a pricey hobby. Here are all the reasons I find it to be a good idea anyway:
Quit it. I can see you there, rolling your eyes and taking a swig from your personal flask of too cool for school juice. Three-dollar pieces of paper, cutesy stickers, and snapshots from Ricky’s third birthday party? Scrapbooking is so stay-at-home mom-circa-2008.
Well, stop right there, my skeptical scrapbook-hater! Because contrary to popular belief, scrapbooking can be just as hip and as queer as that kale smoothie you had for breakfast this morning.
When you woke up this morning you were probs thinking, “This day seems hella promising and all, but you know what’s missing? Marshmallows that look like cats peering out from my hot chocolate.” And then I bet your face fell a little and your girlfriend boo bear babydoll was like, “Bay-abe, whatsamatter?” You wanted to spare her any unnecessary despair so you just plastered on that brave face and pretended you were ok, which was so thoughtful of you and really, you’re nothing if not thoughtful.
I would invite you to imagine a universe, Watson, wherein it is physically possible for humans with opposite sex attractions to wear flannel and gay-ass sneakers and shop at Whole Foods. As far-fetched as this thought experiment seems, my investigations into the matter have stunningly proven that this is, in fact, the universe in which our collective realities reside. My experiments have also unfortunately proven beyond measure that the old adage “miracles happen when you believe” is patently false; in other words, just because you want something to be true does not make it true. (Unless we’re talking about Ellen Page, which is a totally different ballgame that doesn’t operate using standard physics.)
Welcome to the second episode of the first season of Faking It, a delightful new twenty-minute rom-com from the network that brought you Once Upon a Prom and Til Death Do Us Part: Carmen and Dave.
We open smack-dab in the nougat center of an unfortunately heterosexual situation: Karma and Liam are making out atop Karma’s bed. Liam passionately whispers, “what about your girlfriend?” and Karma passionately responds, “she’s not my girlfriend” and then Liam takes off his shirt. WHAT IS THIS CHIPPENDALES WHERE ARE THE LESBIANS
The Human Rights Campaign announced an $8.5 million campaign over the weekend to advance “LGBT equality” in the South. The three-year campaign will specifically target three states Arkansas, Alabama and Mississippi, which offer no employment or housing protections for LGBT residents and prohibits same-sex marriage.
A lot of beans and grains. Sometimes tofu, but not as often as you probably think. Kale and spinach. Recycled car tires. Lots of stuff from the Brassicaceae family, like broccoli and cauliflower. VHS tapes. Coffee grounds. Quinoa. Hubcaps. Lentils. Lightbulbs.
I think women’s studies saved my life, but I don’t know what that means. Maybe that I’m not good at anything else – that I failed at being normal, that I failed at falling into line, that I failed at being everyone else, that I’ll never talk to God. Maybe it means that the closest I will ever get to mightiness is uncovering everything that’s damaged me and smashing every surface standing in my way. Maybe it means nobody’s invented the right hero for me yet, or that I need to be a hero for someone else.
Oh my stars and garters. Batten down the hatches! Bid your loved ones farewell! You’d better find your pearls and start clutching, because winter is coming and the New York Times has identified a horrifying new trend.
